Liverpool sign new laundry lady

Cash-strapped Liverpool have finalised the signing of star Laundry Lady- Margaret Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff, 59, has signed for an undisclosed fee from rival Laundry firm- Tranmere T-Towels . She is reported to be on £300 per-week, on a five-year contract.

An elated Hasselhoff said: “Being part of this great club and all of the history that comes with it is a dream come true. I cannot wait to start cleaning and ironing everyone’s kit. I love Liverpool.”

Asked whether this was possibly her last cleaning job in her career she said: “I see myself ending my laundry career here at this great club.”

The inevitable suggestion of the lure of huge wages came up: “look, at the end of the day I can categorically say that I am not here for the money, Laundry has always been a passion of mine.”

Liverpool Chairman, Peter Beardsley confirmed the signing: “I can confirm that Liverpool FC has added to the squad for the remainder of the season. Margaret brings vast experience to the table, she has already proved that she can wash and iron clothes at the very highest level.”

This latest addition will be viewed as a signal of intent to Liverpool's rivals, who have yet to break the bank.

Hasselhoff is expected to make her debut wash against Blackpool this coming Saturday.

SCHOLES MURDERS INSECT, AS TICKET PRICES SHOOT UP.

Out of control Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has allegedly killed an innocent Wasp in front of horrified players.

Scholes, reportedly let rip in the United dressing room after his teams dismal defeat away to Blackburn Rovers.

One player, who we cannot name for legal reasons, said:  “Basically, what happened blood, Sir Alex was dissing our performance, for some sick reason my bruv Nani pointed to the wall where the wasp was hovering, suddenly Scholsey jumped up out of nowhere, grabbed his shin pad and repeatedly battered the wasp to a pulp, innit.”

The same player later Tweeted: “A Wasp has been killed by Scholesy. Sick times. I love all of my followers. Tweet me.”

Another eye witness described the vicious attack: “Paul usually sits on his own in the dressing room talking to himself, but the wasp obviously got to him. He showed no mercy. Shocked.”

Manchester Metropolitan Police have confirmed the incident: “A small, ginger, male-manc, has been arrested on suspicion of insect murder; we have detained him, pending further inquiries.”

United boss Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment, but United co-owner Malcolm Glazer phoned our office stating: “In light of this event, our financial situation has been re-assessed and I can confirm that ticket prices will be going up 57% as of next season to fund Paul’s expected court case.”

This latest eruption from Scholes has lead to rumours suggesting that he is not enjoying the latest instalment of Dancing On Ice with his wife.

Ryan Giggs, a lifelong friend of Scholes told us: “Paul has enjoyed every evening in with his wife for the past 20 years. Paul was having a dig at the show; he was moaning how unfair the voting system is on numerous occasions. I’ve never seen him so animated.”

Scholes will now miss United’s most important part of the season as they chase a second treble.

FRESH CONTROVERSY FOR SCHOLES

Shy Midfield-maestro Paul Scholes, turned up for training one minute late yesterday, in what has been described as ‘totally out of character’ from fellow professionals.

Scholes, 36, now in the final year of his glittering career at Old Trafford, seems to have finally strayed into the limelight for the wrong reasons.

United defender, Rio Ferdinand told us:  “Paul has finally decided to live a little, and by him showing a total lack of respect for time, he has gone totally out of character innit.”

There is an ever increasing worry filtering through the Old Trafford hierarchy- one that Scholes is spiralling out of control.

At an emergency press-conference held at United’s Carrington training ground, Sir Alex Ferguson told reporters: “We are keeping our eye on Paul as we speak, although we are concerned he is stepping out of line, we have it under control, and have since given him a new Rolex watch as part of our ongoing rehabilitation process.”

It is a sad state of affairs for Scholes as he is known throughout the footballing world as a quiet, family man who simply turns up for football, goes home for dinner and then plays on the Nintendo Wii with his children.

This latest flare-up follows revelations that Scholes was seen in a local pub sipping on popular sugary, alco-pop drink- Smirnoff Ice.

United pour more pain over useless City

Trophy chasing Manchester City lost to city rivals United, in what was billed as the biggest cup final since sliced bread yesterday.

The final, with an estimated worldwide audience of 27 billion, witnessed one of the most one-sided games in the history of the competition.

City were off to a great start in the cloudy, yet clammy conditions, by winning a throw-in inside their own half. However, it didn’t take long for the English champions to take command of the game. New boy -Javier Hernandez latched on to a lazy pass from hapless City defender- Sol Campbell, to put the reds 1-0 up within 37 seconds.

Immediately after the re-start, City won another throw-in, momentum was growing but United broke away and Dimitar Berbatov slid-in for United’s second on Two minutes.

By this time, City were being totally dominated and by half time; they were trailing 19-0.

The Blues made three changes, which saw the introduction of debutant-Alan Shearer. Shearer immediately made an impact by winning City’s third throw-in of the game. This was short lived as United’s superior class shone threw once again. Ryan Giggs, playing in his 317^th cup final, put in a delightful cross for small –scouser, Michael Owen, who nodded home on 46 minutes.

A succession of United attacks was finally greeted with City claiming their first meaningful effort on goal. Campbell intercepted a stray pass from Wayne Rooney on City’s 18 yard box, Campbell then struck the ball 100 yards towards United ‘keeper Edwin Van Der Sar, who gratefully picked it up. “This was a clear shot and not a defensive clearance.” Campbell told The One Show.

United went on to claim the Cup by scoring a further Seventeen goals to end the game with a resounding 36-0 thumping.

Newly appointed City manager- Ian Dowie put the pathetic performance down to tiredness. - “My players have been trying their hardest to win a trophy since 1976, they are really tired.” He Told EuroSport.

Red’s boss Gary Neville was delighted with his side’s latest triumph, adding- “F*****g amazing performance from the lads, ironically the score line is the exact same amount of years City have failed to win anything- which I am F*****g buzzing about lad.” He told CBBC.

City Chairman, Kevin Keegan was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

The win now means United are now just one win away from that coveted treble.

Entire Manchester City team arrested in attempted robbery

Eleven millionaire soccer players from big spenders Manchester City were caught trying to steal the Premier League trophy last night.

The eleven-, who cannot be named for legal reasons, were remanded after yet another goalless draw- away to local rivals Manchester United. A spokesman from City said “Our ambition is to play ridiculously negative football when we come up against the big teams; our aim is a point and nothing more.”

This latest arrest from the Manchester Metropolitan Police follows City’s 121st^th successive, goalless- draw against the so called ‘big four’ in the Premier League. ‘Operation stop City from stealing the trophy from pure-attacking teams’- has been deemed a success from local Councillor Gary Neville.

City’s famous 36-year trophy drought continues.