Kenny Dalglish grazes face from Perch fall – Sir Alex Ferguson is questioned.

The latest Liverpool saviour, King Kenny Dalglish suffered minor injuries after falling from his 10-foot perch today. Dalglish was treated at the scene from a passer bye known only as Gary Neville.

The fall means Liverpool Football Club have been toppled from the domestic perch for the first time since 1990 – However, they are still sitting on top of the European one.

Merseyside Police are treating the incident as suspicious; they released a statement this afternoon:

“We can confirm that an incident took place Saturday afternoon, whereby Liverpool saviour Kenny Dalglish was knocked from his perch, we have numerous lines of enquiry but we have firm belief that Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson mentally pushed Kenny from his perch.

“We have concrete evidence that Sir Alex has always intended to knock Liverpool from their perch and it so happened to be King Kenny whom is the victim.”

King Kenny follows a whole host of managers to sit on the coveted perch since they last claimed a league trophy back in 1990 – Roy Hodgson, Rafa Benitez and Gerard Houllier to name but a few - had all managed to escape falling from the perch but King Kenny looks as though he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The hero to the incident – Gary Neville told SportsStar of the moment he saw King Kenny fall: “I was listening to the United Blackburn game on my I-phone 4, and as soon as the final whistle went, I looked up and all of a sudden I saw this ugly looking figure hurtling towards the ground – I saw it was in fact King Kenny, I smiled but knew he needed assistance so I gave him a plaster.”

Sir Alex Ferguson told our source “I have finally f*****g knocked them from their perch – this is my proudest moment, I am f*****g buzzing right now, I hope Kenny gets better soon, come back when you have won 19, and you can f*****g print that.”

A day in the life of....Owen Hargreaves....Part 3

Potential comebacks are something United midfielder Owen Hargreaves has had to get used to down the years. He hasn’t played a single minute of first team football since October 1997. The ex-England International has sustained a total of 27 long-term injuries (broken leg, knee ops etc) and 153 short-term injuries since that date.  (Gashed little finger, grazed elbow etc.)

Hargreaves has however stayed disciplined and relatively positive throughout and has now managed to get himself fit. Eric Cantona, his Physio, told us last week that Hargreaves is ready to enter the ‘light training’ phase once again. The lad has entered this phase at least twice per season since 1997- where he falls victim to yet more unforeseen injuries, hence more months of washing Sir Alex’s car.

Hargreaves, now 38 was on course for light training from this Friday. We gave him our pen and paper in what is part three of Day in the life of…Owen Hargreaves…

06:55- These are the mornings I live for. I hadn’t been in light training for a good six-month period. These days are always special to me. To try and beat my misfortune of picking up more injuries on these days, I decided to do things a little differently to the norm. My wife stopped the alarm.

07:30- Excitement for my light training session was already building. I packed my shorts, t-shirt and packed lunch into my kit bag. My lunch consisted of two cheese and pickle sandwiches, a Kit-Kat, Munch Bunch Yoghurt and a Kiwi fruit. I was intending to sit with the others today at lunch.

08:00- Instead of driving in my car to the Carrington training ground, I decided to get a taxi. This turned up dead on time. Excitement was growing by the minute. I was sweating buckets inside the taxi as my adrenaline was pumping. I could not believe that nothing had gone wrong so far. I remember thinking to myself: ‘Wow, is this really happening to me, I am so lucky to earn £60k-a-week to carry out errands and chores around the training ground.’

09:00- I got to the changing room. Most of the others were already in there getting changed. Rio had the I-pod speakers on full blast, listening to some Hip and hop artist- 50 pence I think his name was. I heard Scholes shout out: “C’mon Rio- Ollie Murrs was amazing on X-factor the other year, can you not put him on?”

There wasn’t any space for me to get changed, so I had to get changed on the floor, no-one would nudge along to make space for me, but I didn’t let this bother me as I was enjoying the banter between everyone.

Anderson, was doing some really unusual Hip and Hop style dance in the middle of the room, he was getting a lot of attention from the others. I wasn’t sure whether anyone knew I was in the room.

Wazza looked at me and said something in Scouse. I just looked at him and smiled. Fletcher came up to me and put his shoulder around mine and said: “Don’t worry mate, none of the others talk to me either, I just sit in the corner and play on my PSP until its ready to go outside.” I thought that was really sweet of Fletcher.

10:00- Anticipation was growing, all of the other lads were outside. I was struggling to tie up my boot lace as I had forgotten how to do it. I called my mum, who came down to help me out.

I was changed, all kitted up, this was my next opportunity of getting back to full fitness. Light training usually consisted of me doing a few star jumps followed by a 10 metre walk. I have never been passed the star jump phase.

10:05- I walked out from the changing room, into the lovely warm Spring sunshine, there were a couple of hundred United fans behind the fence. I couldn’t believe it but they were all clapping and cheering me on, my adrenaline was pumping. I finally felt my injury nightmare was behind me, but as I started to run up to the section where I had to do my star jumps,  I turned and clapped the fans who were clapping me and as I did this my ankle got lodged in a pot hole and I fell over in a heap.

I phoned Cantona and he said there would be a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

11:00- Sir Alex sent me home. So I did and went straight to bed in tears. It was such a shame really because I was really confident that I could master the star jumps.

TO BE CONTINUED……………EVENTUALLY

A day in the life of....Owen Hargreaves....Part 2

Welcome to Part two of ‘Day in the life of…Owen Hargreaves’

Three Months later and we at SportsSTAR wanted to see how Hargreaves was getting on since we last gave him our pen and paper. For those of you who missed part 1; either find the link within this blog or read on.

Back in part 1, Hargreaves explained to us that he was consistently suffering setbacks to his return for Manchester United. Three months on and he is nearly back to full fitness.

Before we handed this over to him he told us that he expected to be back in light training by the end of the week….

07:00- My alarm went off, it made me jump out of my skin and as a result I pulled a muscle in my left arm.  I phoned Cantona and he said there would be a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

09:00- I arrived at Carrington in plenty of time as today was ‘errand day.’ This is the day where ‘the others’ (the players who play regularly)  hand me  an errand request that they wish me to carry out. I don’t mind doing this as it gets me out and helps me through the long day. I will not go through all of the requests. Here are a few that I have picked out:

• Gibson- Pick up two loaves of white-Hovis bread from Raj’s corner shop
• Scholes- Get ‘Best of X-Factor’ DVD
• Wazza- Pick up new J-Z  album
• Rio- A knee ligament book for experts (I think this one was a murk as he was laughing uncontrollably when I brought this back to him)
• Hernandez- Pick up some Old El Paso Fajitas.
• Wesley- Pick up some orange hair dye
• Berbatov- Post a letter for him to his mother back in Bulgaria

As you can see these are all varied, but I don’t mind as I like this part of my job.

12:00- As I was paying for Hernandez’s Fajitas, a scouser came running up to me and punched me in the head. I phoned Cantona and he said there would be a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

14:00- Sir Alex always treats me so well considering I haven’t played since October 1997. This is why he gives me the best jobs around the complex. Today he asked me whether I could clean his car. I immediately took up this offer. This was the hardest part of the day as Rio and Wazza insisted on running over to me to chuck a bucket of water all over me. But I have learnt to accept that this is all part of my job.

17:00- Sir Alex volunteered me to be the DJ for the Middle School-disco. I accepted and went along. It was such a buzz. I mixed some tunes for the 9-year olds and they were going mental. I was Very happy with my performance. However, the evening ended with me falling over the speakers and damaging my little finger. I phoned Cantona and he said there would be a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

19:00- As a result of today’s latest injuries I was unable to cook dinner, so my wife rustled up a lovely Shepherd Pie. Mmmmmm.

21:00- Although I have suffered a few setbacks today, I still feel I will be ready for light training on Friday. Bring it on I say.

TO BE CONTINUED.......

A Day in the life of....Owen Hargreaves...Part 1

After the success of the 24-hour diaries of Manchester United stars Paul Scholes and Rio Ferdinand , we decided to find someone else within the United camp to follow.

There were the obvious choices like- Wayne Rooney, Ryan Giggs and Bebe, to name but a few, but we felt once again we needed to connect the audience to the player.

Owen Hargreaves is on incapacity benefit due to his ongoing injury problems, he receives job seekers allowance as a result of this. 98.7% of the UK population is on long term sick leave, so we felt that he was ideal at finding a common link between fan and professional.

Due to injuries, Hargreaves has played just one game in 22 years since joining them back in 1989. So We at SportsSTAR thought to ourselves-‘What does he actually do with himself when he is injured?’ ‘What does he do to justify £60k a week?’ He must have a role within the club.

So this week we decided to hand over the pen and paper to Hargreaves. United Physio- Eric Cantona expects Hargreaves to be back in ‘light training’ by the end of the week…..

07:00- My alarm went off, it made me jump out of my skin and as a result I pulled a muscle in my left arm.  I phoned Cantona and he said there would be a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

09:00- As I stepped out of the car at the Carrington training ground, I slipped on some ice and ruptured my left buttock cheek. I phoned Cantona and he said there is a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

09:30- As I am on long term sick leave, Sir Alex has assigned me certain duties around the ground. Today I made a guest appearance at the on-site middle school. I was asked to attend the end-of-term party- dressed as a clown. This started at 10:00; I brought my clown outfit at Debenhams. It is a very good fit to be honest.

10:00- One of the kids kicked me on the shin because “I apparently scared him.” I phoned Cantona and he said there is a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back.

11:00- I had to provide water for ‘the others’- as I call them. The others being the players who play every week. Sometimes I feel as though there is a ‘them and me’ divide, but I don’t let that effect me.  Wazza threw his bottle back at me, complaining the temperature of the water was not cold enough. The bottle hit my head and caused a nasty gash. I didn’t’ feel the need to ring Cantona on this occasion. They were all laughing at me.

12:00- I had lunch in the canteen, all of the others were on a big table, there is never enough room for me. So I sat on my own in my car, listening to the new JLS album.

13:00- During the Afternoon, Sir Alex requested that I carry out some housekeeping around the complex. I had to wash, tumble dry and iron everybody’s kit from which they wore in the morning. I felt as though this was a tremendous change from the norm. Usually I have to sweep up all of the leaves from the training areas but this time I was in charge of washing. I felt as though I was needed again.

15:00- Sir Alex was taking one of the set piece drills with the others, so he requested that I tidy up his office and buffer up his new shoes. I thought this showed incredible sensitivity towards me. As a result of this I placed a thank you note on his desk for him to read when he got back.

16:00- The others all started to pack up and shower. I always have to carry the kit bags, ball bags, and Rio’s I-pod back into the changing areas. I don’t mind. It keeps my mind occupied.

19:00- My wife cooked dinner, it was sublime. Wow what a tough day that was.

21:00- As I set my alarm for the next day, I sprained my left wrist, it was unbearably painful. I phoned Cantona and he said there would be a possibility that my return could suffer a slight set back…

TO BE CONTINUED……

Day in the life of...Paul Scholes...

After receiving praises from all corners of the media on our coverage of Rio Ferdinand’s diary, we decided to give the pen and paper to a man who is never in the headlines for the wrong reasons. We wanted to see what an ordinary family man, who plays for the biggest club in the world gets up to in a typical day. Below is what Paul jotted down for us:

07:00- Wake up

09:00- Football

17:00- Dinner

19:00- X-Factor

21:00- Bed

City unveil Bruce Forsythe statue

Manchester City owner Sheikh Mohammed was amongst thousands of fans at the unveiling of a new statue outside The City of Manchester stadium yesterday.

The statue, carved to the figure of entertainment legend Bruce Forsythe was shown to the world alongside a tremendous fireworks display.

Sheikh Mohammed explained the reason behind the statue: “What you see here before you is a true man of the times.

“He visited our souvenir shop once back in 1981-during one of his UK tours. He purchased a key-ring; we feel the need to repay this clear link to our club by the unveiling of this fantastic statue.”

The monument was carved by ex-football manager turned sculpture- Kevin Keegan. The production of this statue took around two-years, with every detail taken care of. Even the wrinkles and big chin of the born entertainer are present. Pure silver- imported from Poland was used in the creation of this master piece.

Bruce Forsythe was present at the unveiling and told cameras: “Didn’t they do well? Good game, good game, lower than a 7? Ooo a cuddle toy, didn’t they do well? Nice to see you, to see you….” Applause ran around the area, the mood was electric.

However, the statue has come under fierce criticism from local rivals Manchester United. Their manager- Sir Alex Ferguson Tweeted: ‘FFS, these inbreeds have not got a F****** clue about life at all, how can they justify a f****** statue. Nobs. Lol.’

The unveiling comes just days after violent protests around Fulham caused ten pounds worth of damage to the hugely controversial Michael Jackson statue that was erected outside their ground a week ago.

City win first silverware since 1976

Trophy-shy Manchester City have brushed aside the jibes and jokes by winning their first piece of silverware in 35years.

All the banners and flags from rivals United will have to be taken down from their coveted place in the Stretford End.

City won in dramatic style by claiming the final prize- A 24-piece cutlery set in the annual raffle; held inside the Manchester Town Hall.

The 24-piece set is pure silver and is worth thousands. A joyous City Manager, Roberto Mancini said: “All of my Player deserve zis victory, we haf come long ways to be in zis moment”

Star Defender-Micah Richards could not hide his delight: “Man, I’m like proper buzzing right now, I mean, these moments don’t come round too often, definitely gonna go out on the razzle tonight, stick that up you’re a**e United. Sick.”

The City fans, ex-players and everyone else connected to the club have been the butt of all jokes from the red half of Manchester for many years now; this victory will surely be the catalyst for much more silverware to come

United, will undoubtedly be watching the scenes of this, although they will not be overly concerned, there will be a shed of anxiety amongst them that the tide is beginning to turn in Manchester.

Rooney set for six-month ban for picking nose

Manchester United trouble-maker Wayne Rooney looks set to be dished out a six-month ban for picking his nose.

The FA meets today to discuss the outcome, but a six-month lay-off is the most likely conclusion.

Rooney was caught on camera during the title showdown with Arsenal at the weekend; he was walking off the pitch at half time- talking to teammate Ryan Giggs, when his left index finger appeared to raise towards his nose orifice and a slow but precise removal of bodily fungus fell towards the ground.

Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie- who witnessed the horrific incident said: “In all my yearsh of playing shoccer, thish bogey ejaculation has to be the worsht I have sheen.”

When asked about the incident at the post match press conference, Gunners Boss- Arsene Wenger said: “I did not see the nose picking I’m afraid. I never see anything, I am blind. I have a headache, get me some Orange Squash.”

Rooney later issued an apology via the clubs website: ‘I apologise for the offence my bogey has made to the public. As a professional I should be aware that I am in the public eye and any kind of removal of bogey is unacceptable.

‘This one mindless action could be my most regrettable as my team could lose me for a long time, I’d like to also apologise to my mum- who tried to teach me to blow my nose with tissue as a youngster. I feel I have let her down the most.’

United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is fuming with the possibility of losing his star striker: “What kind of world do these F****** w*****s from the FA live in? He has picked his nose, apologised and that should be the end of it.”

Manchester United have until November 2023 to appeal should any decision be made to ban him.

This latest flare up now means Rooney could well miss the most crucial part of the season as United continue to chase on three fronts for that illusive second treble.

Liverpool sign new laundry lady

Cash-strapped Liverpool have finalised the signing of star Laundry Lady- Margaret Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff, 59, has signed for an undisclosed fee from rival Laundry firm- Tranmere T-Towels . She is reported to be on £300 per-week, on a five-year contract.

An elated Hasselhoff said: “Being part of this great club and all of the history that comes with it is a dream come true. I cannot wait to start cleaning and ironing everyone’s kit. I love Liverpool.”

Asked whether this was possibly her last cleaning job in her career she said: “I see myself ending my laundry career here at this great club.”

The inevitable suggestion of the lure of huge wages came up: “look, at the end of the day I can categorically say that I am not here for the money, Laundry has always been a passion of mine.”

Liverpool Chairman, Peter Beardsley confirmed the signing: “I can confirm that Liverpool FC has added to the squad for the remainder of the season. Margaret brings vast experience to the table, she has already proved that she can wash and iron clothes at the very highest level.”

This latest addition will be viewed as a signal of intent to Liverpool's rivals, who have yet to break the bank.

Hasselhoff is expected to make her debut wash against Blackpool this coming Saturday.

SCHOLES MURDERS INSECT, AS TICKET PRICES SHOOT UP.

Out of control Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has allegedly killed an innocent Wasp in front of horrified players.

Scholes, reportedly let rip in the United dressing room after his teams dismal defeat away to Blackburn Rovers.

One player, who we cannot name for legal reasons, said:  “Basically, what happened blood, Sir Alex was dissing our performance, for some sick reason my bruv Nani pointed to the wall where the wasp was hovering, suddenly Scholsey jumped up out of nowhere, grabbed his shin pad and repeatedly battered the wasp to a pulp, innit.”

The same player later Tweeted: “A Wasp has been killed by Scholesy. Sick times. I love all of my followers. Tweet me.”

Another eye witness described the vicious attack: “Paul usually sits on his own in the dressing room talking to himself, but the wasp obviously got to him. He showed no mercy. Shocked.”

Manchester Metropolitan Police have confirmed the incident: “A small, ginger, male-manc, has been arrested on suspicion of insect murder; we have detained him, pending further inquiries.”

United boss Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment, but United co-owner Malcolm Glazer phoned our office stating: “In light of this event, our financial situation has been re-assessed and I can confirm that ticket prices will be going up 57% as of next season to fund Paul’s expected court case.”

This latest eruption from Scholes has lead to rumours suggesting that he is not enjoying the latest instalment of Dancing On Ice with his wife.

Ryan Giggs, a lifelong friend of Scholes told us: “Paul has enjoyed every evening in with his wife for the past 20 years. Paul was having a dig at the show; he was moaning how unfair the voting system is on numerous occasions. I’ve never seen him so animated.”

Scholes will now miss United’s most important part of the season as they chase a second treble.

FRESH CONTROVERSY FOR SCHOLES

Shy Midfield-maestro Paul Scholes, turned up for training one minute late yesterday, in what has been described as ‘totally out of character’ from fellow professionals.

Scholes, 36, now in the final year of his glittering career at Old Trafford, seems to have finally strayed into the limelight for the wrong reasons.

United defender, Rio Ferdinand told us:  “Paul has finally decided to live a little, and by him showing a total lack of respect for time, he has gone totally out of character innit.”

There is an ever increasing worry filtering through the Old Trafford hierarchy- one that Scholes is spiralling out of control.

At an emergency press-conference held at United’s Carrington training ground, Sir Alex Ferguson told reporters: “We are keeping our eye on Paul as we speak, although we are concerned he is stepping out of line, we have it under control, and have since given him a new Rolex watch as part of our ongoing rehabilitation process.”

It is a sad state of affairs for Scholes as he is known throughout the footballing world as a quiet, family man who simply turns up for football, goes home for dinner and then plays on the Nintendo Wii with his children.

This latest flare-up follows revelations that Scholes was seen in a local pub sipping on popular sugary, alco-pop drink- Smirnoff Ice.

United pour more pain over useless City

Trophy chasing Manchester City lost to city rivals United, in what was billed as the biggest cup final since sliced bread yesterday.

The final, with an estimated worldwide audience of 27 billion, witnessed one of the most one-sided games in the history of the competition.

City were off to a great start in the cloudy, yet clammy conditions, by winning a throw-in inside their own half. However, it didn’t take long for the English champions to take command of the game. New boy -Javier Hernandez latched on to a lazy pass from hapless City defender- Sol Campbell, to put the reds 1-0 up within 37 seconds.

Immediately after the re-start, City won another throw-in, momentum was growing but United broke away and Dimitar Berbatov slid-in for United’s second on Two minutes.

By this time, City were being totally dominated and by half time; they were trailing 19-0.

The Blues made three changes, which saw the introduction of debutant-Alan Shearer. Shearer immediately made an impact by winning City’s third throw-in of the game. This was short lived as United’s superior class shone threw once again. Ryan Giggs, playing in his 317^th cup final, put in a delightful cross for small –scouser, Michael Owen, who nodded home on 46 minutes.

A succession of United attacks was finally greeted with City claiming their first meaningful effort on goal. Campbell intercepted a stray pass from Wayne Rooney on City’s 18 yard box, Campbell then struck the ball 100 yards towards United ‘keeper Edwin Van Der Sar, who gratefully picked it up. “This was a clear shot and not a defensive clearance.” Campbell told The One Show.

United went on to claim the Cup by scoring a further Seventeen goals to end the game with a resounding 36-0 thumping.

Newly appointed City manager- Ian Dowie put the pathetic performance down to tiredness. - “My players have been trying their hardest to win a trophy since 1976, they are really tired.” He Told EuroSport.

Red’s boss Gary Neville was delighted with his side’s latest triumph, adding- “F*****g amazing performance from the lads, ironically the score line is the exact same amount of years City have failed to win anything- which I am F*****g buzzing about lad.” He told CBBC.

City Chairman, Kevin Keegan was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

The win now means United are now just one win away from that coveted treble.

Entire Manchester City team arrested in attempted robbery

Eleven millionaire soccer players from big spenders Manchester City were caught trying to steal the Premier League trophy last night.

The eleven-, who cannot be named for legal reasons, were remanded after yet another goalless draw- away to local rivals Manchester United. A spokesman from City said “Our ambition is to play ridiculously negative football when we come up against the big teams; our aim is a point and nothing more.”

This latest arrest from the Manchester Metropolitan Police follows City’s 121st^th successive, goalless- draw against the so called ‘big four’ in the Premier League. ‘Operation stop City from stealing the trophy from pure-attacking teams’- has been deemed a success from local Councillor Gary Neville.

City’s famous 36-year trophy drought continues.